What will they think? Who "they" were, and the actual nature of their thoughts, never really mattered. It was the fear pressing down on me, that they would judge me harshly, find me lacking. Lacking in the proper looks, the right body type, a quick enough wit, a measure of talent. Would I please them? Would they love me? These are the thoughts that have plagued me for the majority of my life. These thoughts didn't just affect the "inside" either. They affected my words, my actions, the things I wore, the food I ate, the way I actually LIVED and SHOWED UP in the world. I wouldn't go to the beach, or if I did, I would sit there motionless, hoping no one would notice this body that I was SURE they would find disgusting and not up to society's standards. I would hold my tongue, not speak my truth, for fear they would find me stupid, or irrelevant.
In short, I think we all know what the real issue is. It was never about "them".... it was ALWAYS about ME. I was judging myself brutally and rarely was anything "good enough". The critic in my head couldn't be silenced, and often won, causing me to shrink, shrink, shrink, into a mass produced, acceptable version of a personality. I said nice, pretty words. I didn't cuss. I didn't talk about sex, or anything else uncomfortable. I dieted. I agreed. I acquiesced. I apologized. I obeyed. What I did not do, was love myself.
Now this has been a huge journey, obviously, and I have made huge strides over the last four years. I woke up and broke free of "sin and dogma" based religion. I have committed to loving myself, as I am, as that shows up in each moment. I do my best to talk to the voices in my head and love them, even when I disagree with all the defeating words they are telling me. I am on the path to integrating my shadow. I am so much more free than I was. Yay!
But lately, a certain Queen keeps coming up in my personal readings and readings others have done for me, in a shadow or healing position. The Queen of Wands!
It took me a while to look at who she is and what she would mean for my healing. And then I got it!! The Queen of Wands is a radiant, warm, outgoing, CONFIDENT woman. She KNOWS who she is, what she wants, and most of all she KNOWS HER WORTH. She is a Queen! She embraces her "dark side" (see that little black cat), she owns her magic and her power. She is not afraid to speak up or live life. And she has been chasing me around encouraging me to heal so that I may do the same! She says, wake up, little shrinking violet, you are a sunflower! Have an idea? Go after it! Have an opinion? Share it! Wanna have fun? Go have it! Love your body? Pssssshhhh, what's not to LOVE about your glorious body, baby?!!!
So thank you, dear Queen, for showing up and shining your bright light of self love and confidence as only you can. And if you, dear reader, are going through a self love journey, I encourage you to call up this Queen and invite her over for a shot of whiskey. She likes Fireball. ;)
I love you.